bravo self checkout

I normally avoid the lines with human checkers at the grocery. The check out line is not where I anticipate finding lifelong friends so I don't see the point in conversing about my purchases.

So, in the event that I do need to go through your line, checkers, could you do me a favor? How's about you not comment on every item that crawls by you on the conveyor belt.

It is truly maddening watching every person in line uncomfortably make small talk with you over ice cream cones and tortillas. I think the vast majority of people dislike this situation and it takes a million times longer to get through the line because of your behavior.

So...it's not that I am not thrilled that you like artichokes and capers together as well. Or that I'm not excited that your mom and I use the same brand of tampons. Those things are awesome. But let's keep them to ourselves.

In the future, please trust that I'll do the following:
*If I want a bag, I'll tell you.
*If I have a club card, I'll be sure it gets scanned in.
*If I feel strongly about paper or plastic, you'll be the first to know.
*If I have coupons, I'll present them to you.
*If I want to donate one dollar or round up my grocery order to donate to the cause of the week, I won't hold out on you.

As a side note: If socializing is the reason you're in this line of work, might I suggest cutting hair? You're guaranteed about an hour with each customer and they're pretty much a captive audience because you have weapons. Just something to chew on...along with your artichokes and capers.

banana can can

My sister used to have a friend who was really into the band Europe in the 80's. In particular, her favorite song was "The Final Countdown". She considered herself the ultimate Europe fan, which stumped us terribly the day we discovered her singing the chorus "It's Banana Can Can" instead of correct lyrics "It's The Final Countdown". But let's give her a break. It's an easy thing to miss when the album and hit song (her favorite song) are both titled..."The Final Countdown". Hmmmm.

Anyway, I have two days left at my current job and today I found myself humming "The Final Countdown", which made me giggle a little.

heist

I just got news that a friend's grill was stolen in the wee hours of the night this weekend. At first I thought he was referring to his gold and diamond teeth set, but alas, he was referring to his enormous barbeque that used to reside on his patio.

These must have been professionals and to be honest I think this pretty much gets classified in the heist category. I'm sure the place was cased and the crime carefully plotted. I'm pretty sure they must have posed as movers with a rented truck due the sheer size of the aforementioned grill. A full-grown human could fit in this thing. Unbelievable.

The irony is that my friend had just nabbed the "Top Chef" title in part because of his grilled pork during an 8-hour amateur cooking competition on Sat. It's just SAD.

Look people, I know times are tough but for God's sake, get your own grill. My summer probably won't be the same now. Jerks.

littering

why do people litter? i just don't get it.

i certainly understand the "this can no longer be my problem" mentality, which is what led me to end a handful of relationships. But those were people, not paper, hair ties or used condoms. It is so perplexing that people find it that difficult to carry a piece of paper two blocks to the nearest bin. Condoms are a different story I guess but that's the responsibility that comes along with using one outside.

citrus

I've enjoyed citrus of all types, and not all citrus is created equal. Limes are pretty much flawless, but oranges...now that is one high maintenance fruit.

I've had orange-related hang ups ever since I can remember. As a kid I used to strain orange juice with pulp in it. I don't really drink orange juice anymore as an adult, but if I had to, I would probably still strain it. My contempt runs pretty deep.

Oranges are an undeniably messy fruit with so many seemingly unnecessary steps to disassembly. What a prude fruit to make you undress both the rind and the pith to get any sort of reward. And even after you get to the actual edible part, you have so much crap in your nails that it hardly seems worth it. Grapes are so much more loose. You pretty much just pop and go.

But back to pith. That gross webby stuff between the peel and the fruit. I've known from a very young age that I would never enjoy pith. In fact, that pith would stand in the way of a healthy relationship with oranges. So the ONLY acceptable method of orange consumption is if all traces of pith are removed entirely. The result is mass carnage. It's pretty unsightly.

I took a 20 year leave of absence from oranges, and I've recently decided to give them another shot.

What have I learned?
That I pretty much had the matter evaluated correctly at age 11. I still hate the pith. The experience is still messy and the reward is still perfectly adequate.

troubled youth

I was just walking in Capitol Hill, the part of Seattle where all of the riff raff hang out, and I saw something poetic, yet unnerving. Something I'm still pondering.

An elderly woman was juggling two heaping paper grocery bags and a step ladder. The load was awkward to say the least. Just as I was going to offer help, a 15 year old kid ran up and offered before I could. Talk about stealing someone's thunder! The nerve.

Aren't we supposed to have lost faith in our youth by now? Shame on you young fella. You'll get what's coming to you....just you wait.