bravo self checkout

I normally avoid the lines with human checkers at the grocery. The check out line is not where I anticipate finding lifelong friends so I don't see the point in conversing about my purchases.

So, in the event that I do need to go through your line, checkers, could you do me a favor? How's about you not comment on every item that crawls by you on the conveyor belt.

It is truly maddening watching every person in line uncomfortably make small talk with you over ice cream cones and tortillas. I think the vast majority of people dislike this situation and it takes a million times longer to get through the line because of your behavior.

So...it's not that I am not thrilled that you like artichokes and capers together as well. Or that I'm not excited that your mom and I use the same brand of tampons. Those things are awesome. But let's keep them to ourselves.

In the future, please trust that I'll do the following:
*If I want a bag, I'll tell you.
*If I have a club card, I'll be sure it gets scanned in.
*If I feel strongly about paper or plastic, you'll be the first to know.
*If I have coupons, I'll present them to you.
*If I want to donate one dollar or round up my grocery order to donate to the cause of the week, I won't hold out on you.

As a side note: If socializing is the reason you're in this line of work, might I suggest cutting hair? You're guaranteed about an hour with each customer and they're pretty much a captive audience because you have weapons. Just something to chew on...along with your artichokes and capers.

banana can can

My sister used to have a friend who was really into the band Europe in the 80's. In particular, her favorite song was "The Final Countdown". She considered herself the ultimate Europe fan, which stumped us terribly the day we discovered her singing the chorus "It's Banana Can Can" instead of correct lyrics "It's The Final Countdown". But let's give her a break. It's an easy thing to miss when the album and hit song (her favorite song) are both titled..."The Final Countdown". Hmmmm.

Anyway, I have two days left at my current job and today I found myself humming "The Final Countdown", which made me giggle a little.

heist

I just got news that a friend's grill was stolen in the wee hours of the night this weekend. At first I thought he was referring to his gold and diamond teeth set, but alas, he was referring to his enormous barbeque that used to reside on his patio.

These must have been professionals and to be honest I think this pretty much gets classified in the heist category. I'm sure the place was cased and the crime carefully plotted. I'm pretty sure they must have posed as movers with a rented truck due the sheer size of the aforementioned grill. A full-grown human could fit in this thing. Unbelievable.

The irony is that my friend had just nabbed the "Top Chef" title in part because of his grilled pork during an 8-hour amateur cooking competition on Sat. It's just SAD.

Look people, I know times are tough but for God's sake, get your own grill. My summer probably won't be the same now. Jerks.

littering

why do people litter? i just don't get it.

i certainly understand the "this can no longer be my problem" mentality, which is what led me to end a handful of relationships. But those were people, not paper, hair ties or used condoms. It is so perplexing that people find it that difficult to carry a piece of paper two blocks to the nearest bin. Condoms are a different story I guess but that's the responsibility that comes along with using one outside.

citrus

I've enjoyed citrus of all types, and not all citrus is created equal. Limes are pretty much flawless, but oranges...now that is one high maintenance fruit.

I've had orange-related hang ups ever since I can remember. As a kid I used to strain orange juice with pulp in it. I don't really drink orange juice anymore as an adult, but if I had to, I would probably still strain it. My contempt runs pretty deep.

Oranges are an undeniably messy fruit with so many seemingly unnecessary steps to disassembly. What a prude fruit to make you undress both the rind and the pith to get any sort of reward. And even after you get to the actual edible part, you have so much crap in your nails that it hardly seems worth it. Grapes are so much more loose. You pretty much just pop and go.

But back to pith. That gross webby stuff between the peel and the fruit. I've known from a very young age that I would never enjoy pith. In fact, that pith would stand in the way of a healthy relationship with oranges. So the ONLY acceptable method of orange consumption is if all traces of pith are removed entirely. The result is mass carnage. It's pretty unsightly.

I took a 20 year leave of absence from oranges, and I've recently decided to give them another shot.

What have I learned?
That I pretty much had the matter evaluated correctly at age 11. I still hate the pith. The experience is still messy and the reward is still perfectly adequate.

troubled youth

I was just walking in Capitol Hill, the part of Seattle where all of the riff raff hang out, and I saw something poetic, yet unnerving. Something I'm still pondering.

An elderly woman was juggling two heaping paper grocery bags and a step ladder. The load was awkward to say the least. Just as I was going to offer help, a 15 year old kid ran up and offered before I could. Talk about stealing someone's thunder! The nerve.

Aren't we supposed to have lost faith in our youth by now? Shame on you young fella. You'll get what's coming to you....just you wait.

are you there readers, it's me, erin.

Here are the highlights of my past six months:
1. I became an aunt.
2. I have a niece.
3. My sister had a baby.
4. My mom became a grandmother.
5. My dad became a grandfather.
6. My grandmother became a great-grandmother.

It's seriously so unbelievable to me. Now I just have to get my sister's family unit to move west so I can see them more often.

stop going under the knife.

Dear Friends,

To those of you who are in the group who has elected to undergo surprise surgeries this year, STOP. You know who you are. Suddenly having parts of your bodies removed isn't as cool as it sounds. You make the rest of us worry about you. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is tired of it.

Sincerely,

Erin

if i could only remember...

What kind of car did you say you drove again? Oh yeah, that's right. A Miata.

inner kid

I spent Superbowl Sunday in Utah this year. In Heber City to be exact. The snow dumped pretty much the entire time we were there, making travel difficult in the non-snow-rated mini van that we rented. A group decision to spend the day at home had us searching for things to keep busy. And then it just happened.

Within 30 minutes our entire group was outside in snow gear PLAYING in the snow. I can't remember the last time I played in the snow. It was great. It was innocent (until Sarah started making Screwdrivers). It was like a true "school is closed for the day because of snow" day. There were snowballs thrown and buckets of snow dumped over people's heads. I had so much fun.

We all pitched in to make this amazing snow fort, though, truth be told...the real credit belongs to Cory, Dale and Doug for finishing it off and adding the snow slide. Yep, snow slide. You could walk up the notches in the side and slide right out the door. Made me realize how important it is to act like a kid sometimes.

mothers slow down

Controversial motherhood is "in" right now I guess, with Britney leading the pack. As my sister gears up to bring a new human into the family, I'm paying more attention to these lackluster mothers. So my head nearly exploded when I saw this...


Please slow down and please gain some weight. Please, for the sake of those around you.

merchandise

A friend of mine sent around this video a while ago and it made me think twice about my own consumption habits and not being wasteful (http://www.storyofstuff.com/).

So when I see signage in the window of an airport store announcing that I can buy elephant shit to carry with me on the flight home, I'm instantly baffled. It makes me want to help elephants open and run an operation that produces signage directing animals to stands the sell human feces for elephant consumption. Brilliant! Seriously though, who on earth buys this stuff?

It also makes me think...didn't those baby on board things go out of style a LONG time ago? The answer is possibly...however, I snapped this photo in October, 2007. Here's to hopes that baby on board products are NO longer being produced. I'm going to give mankind the benefit of the doubt and assume that all remaining BOB suctions in cars today are from the original fad.

because

I've been asked several times why I am still single. I think I figured it out yesterday.

I was hanging out with a person of interest when all of a sudden I blurted out with genuine enthusiasm..."WOW. We have the same coffee schedule!" after hearing his response to my very insightful question..."Are you addicted to coffee?". Reflecting on the comment, I realize I should have followed the comment with, "I carried a watermelon..."

practice what you preach

Cops, do me a favorite and shut your mouths. Seriously, don't pull out your statistics about how talking on cell phones causes accidents. You've lied and I've caught you; the hypocrisy!

I was rushing to an appointment (of course I was late) when I saw him. I was so astonished I couldn't even pinpoint the exact emotion. Then I realized I was just plain flabbergasted. I fear for our safety.

i won't tolerate it any longer

People, the white liquid full of proteins that tastes amazing with rich desserts is pronounced "mĭlk" in the English language. Please notice the spelling:

M-I-L-K

The letter after "M" is an "I". So why, you ask, do some people refer to this as melk...M-E-L-K?? I have no idea. I have tolerated this racket since I was a child and it has always bugged me.

So, I motion that any person who refers to the substance as MELK be mandated to participate in hooked on phonics as their sole form of entertainment from this day forth. If they can demonstrate that they have recovered from this grave error, we can release them into the world again, but until then...it just isn't safe.

million dollar idea

How come breakfast is not included in the "meals that are delivered" category? The more I think about the more I realize how mealist this is. It just isn't fair!


If anybody reading out there would like to bring me a croissant sandwich with eggs, cheese and sausage I would not complain and I would tip you.

golden red deliciousness

One of my favorite games is Apples to Apples. It's so good, just like the fruit after which the game is named. It's perfect because it doesn't take hours and it certainly is not brain-numbing.

Last weekend, one round of Apples to Apples put all previous games to shame. It was a total power play, and awaiting the final decision was more tense than awaiting Nadia Comaneci's uneven bar routing score in Montreal in 1976 (which was a 10 btw).

I'm so thankful I wasn't personally faced with this difficult decision. The 12 people actually in the room were on the edge of their seats and I'm almost certain all of Whistler Village stopped and sweated in anticipation. The pic says it all and in the end, the right decision was made.

jeremy appleseed

My friend Jeremy has numerous talents, one of which is eating an entire apple...almost to the point where there is nothing left. It's pretty ridiculous.









I'm a little more finicky when it comes to produce. I imagine I would starve should I ever be faced with my own "into the wild" situation. Jeremy would livestrong...like Lance. He would probably also start a profitable anklet line.

cornbread from pouch boycott

I'm trying to start an international "cornbread made from a pouch" boycott. Who's with me?

I have proof that disasters of incomprehensible proportions occur with the preparation of Marie Callender's Cornbread Pouches. There are enough terrible things going on in the world. Let's pull together and rid the world of this obvious trouble maker.


Exhibit A: I was asked to bring cornbread to a dinner party. Naturally, I thought a pouched mix was the way to go. BUT...when all was said and done, the cornbread turned out funny.... I was ridiculed and blacklisted from dinner parties all over Seattle.

Exhibit B: A group of us smuggled Marie Callender's Cornbread Pouches across the border to prepare a feast in Canada. The effort was sabotaged. It was messy.

I beg you all to please make a conscious decision next time you're at the grocery. Do not let this vile pouch into your cart or basket! Together we can conserve time, energy and SOS pads. Do it for the children.

**I in no way suggest the boycott of other flavored breads. Please keep consuming banana, pumpkin, cinnamon raisin and even zucchini breads. Let it be clear that the only war I wage is on Marie Callender's Cornbread (from a pouch).

let's be honest...

It's time for the elderly to come clean about their age, because cashiers at an Oregon Dairy Queen aren't mind readers, ok?